/relationship-science-coach

Intervention library

Use this library to pick one intervention and deliver it concretely. Do not dump the whole library into a user response.

1. Soft start-up builder

Use for raising a concern without blame.

Steps:

1. Convert global complaint into observable event.
2. Name one feeling.
3. State a positive need.
4. Make a small request.
5. Stop after one issue.

Template:

“When [specific event] happened, I felt [emotion]. I need/would appreciate [positive need]. Could we [small request]?”

Example:

“When the plans changed and I found out last minute, I felt unimportant. I need more notice when possible. Could you text me as soon as you know plans are shifting?”

2. Listener-summary drill

Use when partners interrupt, rebut, or feel unheard.

Rules:

• Speaker gets two minutes.
• Listener may only summarise and validate.
• Speaker corrects the summary.
• Switch roles.
• Problem-solving starts only after both feel understood.

Listener phrases:

• “What I hear is...”
• “That makes sense because...”
• “The part I didn’t realise was...”
• “Did I get it?”

3. Time-out and return agreement

Use for flooding, shutdown, or escalation.

Script:

“I’m flooded. I’m taking 30 minutes so I don’t make this worse. I will come back at [time]. I’m not abandoning the conversation.”

Return script:

“I’m back. The part I understand is [summary]. The part I still need to explain is [one sentence].”

4. Regrettable incident repair

Use after yelling, contempt, defensiveness, withdrawal, or a bad fight.

Prompts:

• What did I do that I regret?
• What impact might it have had?
• What was I feeling underneath?
• What can I own without excuses?
• What will I do differently next time?
• What does my partner need before they can reconnect?

Apology template:

“I’m sorry for [specific behaviour]. I can see it affected you by [impact]. I was feeling [context], but that doesn’t excuse it. Next time I will [specific behaviour]. You don’t have to make me feel better about it right now.”

5. Four Horsemen conversion

Use when the user gives a harsh draft.

• Criticism to complaint: “You’re lazy” becomes “I feel overloaded when the laundry stays in the basket.”
• Contempt to respect: “You’re pathetic” becomes “I’m too angry to speak respectfully; I need a break.”
• Defensiveness to ownership: “It’s not my fault” becomes “I can own that I didn’t tell you sooner.”
• Stonewalling to self-soothing: silence becomes “I need 30 minutes and I will return.”

6. Pursue-withdraw cycle map

Use for anxious/avoidant or protest/shutdown loops.

Template:

• Trigger:
• My protective move:
• Their protective move:
• My meaning:
• Their likely meaning:
• My softer truth:
• My clear request:
• My self-soothing plan:

Example output:

“The cycle is: you feel ignored, so you push harder; they feel criticised, so they withdraw; the withdrawal confirms your fear. The new move is a softer request plus a reliable return time.”

7. Connection-before-analysis reset

Use when talking about the relationship repeatedly escalates.

Plan:

• 20 minutes of connection with no analysis.
• One appreciation each.
• Shared easy activity.
• No complaint during reset.
• Later, ten minutes on one issue.

Script:

“I think we’ve made talking itself feel dangerous. Tonight I don’t want to analyse us. I want us to have tea, be kind for 20 minutes, and then stop.”

8. Dreams-under-position interview

Use for recurring unsolved issues.

Questions:

• What does your position mean to you?
• What value or fear is underneath it?
• What did your family teach you about this?
• What would feel disrespectful or scary about giving in?
• What part could be flexible?
• What would make you feel understood even if we disagree?

End with:

“One part of your dream I respect is...”

9. Compromise circles

Use after dream-under-position work.

Inner circle:

• Core needs.
• Values.
• Non-negotiables.

Outer circle:

• Preferences.
• Timing.
• Method.
• Degree.
• Trial period.

Agreement:

“For two weeks we will try [specific overlap]. We review on [date].”

10. Love Maps mini-date

Use for distance, roommate feeling, or low curiosity.

Questions:

• What has been taking up the most space in your mind?
• What are you looking forward to?
• What are you worried about?
• What do you wish I understood about this season of your life?
• What is one small way I could make this week easier?

Rule: no fixing unless requested.

11. Bids audit

Use when one partner feels ignored.

Track for two days:

• Bid made.
• Response: toward, away, against.
• What got in the way.
• Better micro-response.

Micro-responses:

• Look up.
• Smile.
• Ask one question.
• Touch shoulder if welcome.
• Say “I’m busy, but I want to hear this in ten minutes.”

12. Appreciation ratio reset

Use when negativity dominates.

Each day for one week, name one specific behaviour you appreciated.

Bad appreciation:

• “You’re great.”

Better:

• “I noticed you made the appointment without me asking. That made me feel less alone in the admin.”

13. State of the relationship meeting

Use for weekly maintenance, not active escalation.

Agenda:

1. Appreciations.
2. What went well.
3. One issue only.
4. Partner A speaks, B summarises.
5. Partner B speaks, A summarises.
6. Each owns one small part.
7. One experiment.
8. Connection close.

Rules:

• No surprise ambush.
• No more than 30 minutes at first.
• If flooded, pause and return.
• No contempt.

14. Trust-repair observables

Use for betrayal or broken agreements.

Ask:

• What agreement was broken?
• What information is needed to restore reality?
• What behaviour will stop?
• What behaviour will start?
• How long is the review period?
• What is transparent without becoming surveillance?

Examples:

• “I will tell you before contact with X, not after.”
• “I will not delete messages related to this issue for the next month.”
• “We will discuss triggers Sunday for 20 minutes.”

15. Boundary script

Use when the user needs a clear limit.

Template:

“I’m willing to [constructive behaviour]. I’m not willing to [harmful behaviour]. If [boundary violation] happens, I will [self-protective action].”

Example:

“I’m willing to talk about chores tonight. I’m not willing to be called names. If name-calling starts, I’ll pause the conversation and return tomorrow.”

16. Desire discrepancy map

Use for mismatched desire.

Fields:

• Higher-desire partner longing:
• Lower-desire partner pressure or brakes:
• Shared meaning of sex:
• Current initiation pattern:
• What happens after no:
• Welcome affection:
• Off-limits pressure:
• One low-pressure experiment:

Script:

“I want us to understand our desire pattern without making either of us wrong.”

17. Brakes and accelerators worksheet

Use for arousal, desire, or avoidance.

Brakes:

• Stress:
• Conflict:
• Body image:
• Pain/medical:
• Pressure:
• Environment:
• Timing:
• Sensory issues:
• Trust:

Accelerators:

• Emotional connection:
• Flirting:
• Novelty:
• Privacy:
• Touch:
• Words:
• Fantasy:
• Admiration:
• Relaxation:

Agreement:

“This week we will remove one brake and add one accelerator.”

18. No-pressure affection menu

Use when affection has become loaded.

Categories:

• Always welcome.
• Sometimes welcome.
• Ask first.
• Not now.
• Definitely not.

Examples:

• Hand-holding.
• Cuddling.
• Kissing.
• Massage.
• Showering together.
• Sexual touch.
• Compliments.
• Flirty texts.

Rule: affection from this menu does not imply escalation unless explicitly agreed.

19. Pleasure debrief

Use after consensual sex or sensual exploration.

Prompts:

• One thing I liked:
• One thing I want more of:
• One thing I want less of:
• One moment I felt close:
• One moment I felt pressure or distraction:
• One thing to try next time:

Keep the debrief kind and brief.

20. Pleasure equity reset

Use for orgasm gap, penetration-centred sex, or one partner feeling like sex is not for them.

Principles:

• The receiver’s feedback matters more than generic tips.
• Sex does not need to centre penetration.
• Clitoral stimulation, pacing, comfort, and context often matter.
• Pleasure is not a performance test.

Script:

“I want our sex to feel good for both of us. Can we spend a few times exploring what you enjoy without making orgasm the goal?”

21. Erotic aliveness audit

Use for boredom or loss of spark.

Prompts:

• I feel most alive when...
• I feel least erotic when...
• I feel drawn to you when...
• I miss this part of myself...
• A fantasy or mood I’m curious about is...
• A low-risk experiment is...

22. Kink consent map

Use for adult kink curiosity.

Fields:

• Desired theme:
• Why it appeals:
• Hard limits:
• Soft limits:
• Words/actions that are not okay:
• Stop signal:
• Slow-down signal:
• Physical risks:
• Emotional triggers:
• Aftercare:
• Debrief plan:

If the theme involves breath play or neck pressure, do not provide technique; advise against and suggest safer alternatives.

23. CNC discussion map

Use for consensual non-consent fantasy or roleplay discussion.

Questions:

• Is this fantasy-only or something you want to discuss trying?
• What emotional tone appeals: surrender, pursuit, taboo, being desired, loss of control, power, danger-feeling without danger?
• What words/actions are off-limits?
• What stops the scene immediately?
• What aftercare is required?
• What would make this feel unsafe?
• How will you distinguish roleplay from real no?

Do not write erotic assault scripts. Keep it negotiation-focused.

24. Flirting message builder

Use for dating or rekindling flirtation.

Formula:

• Specific observation.
• Warm tone.
• Light play or sincere appreciation.
• Clear invitation.

Examples:

• “Your voice note made my morning. Want to continue this over coffee Thursday?”
• “I like how easy this feels with you. Are you free for a drink this weekend?”
• “I’m attracted to you, and I don’t want to be vague about it. Want to go on a date?”

25. Rejection-respect script

Use after no or ambiguity.

“Thanks for being clear. I’m disappointed, but I respect it. No hard feelings.”

Then stop pursuing unless they re-initiate clearly.

26. Love languages care menu

Use as vocabulary, not rigid theory.

Have each partner choose current top two from:

• Words of affirmation.
• Quality time.
• Acts of service.
• Gifts or tokens.
• Physical touch.

Then make each concrete:

• “Words” becomes “Tell me one thing you appreciated about how I handled today.”
• “Quality time” becomes “Twenty minutes with phones away.”
• “Acts” becomes “Take the bins out without me tracking it.”
• “Gifts” becomes “Bring me a coffee when you get one.”
• “Touch” becomes “Hug me for 20 seconds when we get home.”

27. Stay-or-leave clarity matrix

Use when no immediate safety red flags are present.

Columns:

• What is painful now?
• What have I already tried?
• What has changed in observable behaviour?
• What has only been promised?
• What would need to change by a specific date?
• What am I responsible for?
• What is my partner responsible for?
• What support do I need?

If safety red flags exist, use safety planning instead.

28. Post-conflict debrief

Use after a fight when both are calm.

Questions:

• What triggered me?
• What did I feel underneath anger or shutdown?
• What did I do that made it worse?
• What did you hear me trying to say?
• What do I understand about your side?
• What repair do I owe?
• What is one change for next time?

29. Repair text message

Use for immediate repair by text.

“I don’t like how I handled that. I got defensive and then blamed you. I’m going to take a bit to calm down, but I care about this and want to restart more respectfully later.”

30. One-partner-only coaching

Use when the partner is absent.

Focus on:

• User’s words.
• User’s regulation.
• User’s boundaries.
• User’s repair.
• User’s next decision.

Avoid:

• Diagnosing partner.
• Assuming partner’s motives.
• Creating a script that corners the partner.

Final line:

“You can control the clarity and respect of your ask; you can’t control whether they respond maturely.”